The double-edged sword called solitude
Okies…so i had a packed week which was totally unexpected considering it’s d FIRST week back from hols! man they reali grind u in sam=( it was wad i call a strange week reali. i cudnt wake up on monday so had2 take d 7.30 bus (wad do u expect whn u wakeup at 10 for every day of d hols except during d btn thingy?)…got my results back…dey were btr than i expected =) din expect to do so well in bio n phy which were d 2hardest pprs in my opinion, luckily my gambles paid off*whew*. by d time i finished eap n got home i was dead tired but sumhow even d short nap tht i took was disjointed n interrupted (des, i’m gona kill u for ur curse la, stil effective after so long, dun hv tarikh luput wan r?). Ended up hving no appetite for dinner n started getting moody..luckily there was eap drama practice which was so funny tht it brightened me up.
Tues n Wed passed in almost similar fashion (woke up late) n v were given great news bout assessments here n there. Omg, 1st 2weeks of d new semester ady so much work n assessments, i cant imagine d nex 10 or so weeks =’( n thurs was d perfect example of d irony tht i hate so damn much..after successfully waking up late for 3days in a row, i proceeded to wake up n get prepared so early that we ended up catching d 1st bus instead of d 2nd tht v usually take! Great…a total reversal which wasnt beneficial in any way cuz dey alwiz open C23 veri late on thursdays so v had 2lepak in d cafe 1st.
So: to friday (today) then! had a productive morning by my usual sleepy standards, handed in esl presentation outline n physics infosearch draft as well as listened 2bio presentations (i had mine on wed) n after lunch, v actuali went in2 cc 2watch ppl play dota n stuff juz 2pass time =p
Hurm..d morn part wasnt reali that important tho. Wad concerned me d most was wad happened juz now. u see..i went to play squash n as usual i played alone. Squash was….in a way, a great way for me 2relax n juz enjoy sum time wif myself cuz u dun reali hv much privacy wif roommates around. not to say i dun enjoy their company but u do nid sum personal space n there’s oni so many times u can truli shut ur mind out from ur environs. So everyweek i’ll go there for an hour or so n juz enjoy d solitude n d feeling of being alone, trying ur best 2beat urself n not anyone else. seriously therapeutic whn u consider d kind of competition n stress here.
But wad was strange n thought-provoking was d way i played today. sure, i havent played for 3weeks+ so of cuz i’m gona b rusty n all tht. but d thg was, i played well in d 1st 30 mins, then had a drink, and then all of a sudden i found myself unable 2run n my shots were all like shit! Wads wrong wif me? Maybe i cudnt release my frustrations accumulated throughout dis few weeks even through squash n d more bad shots i played d more frustrated i became. Seriously wanted 2throw d racket le but i dun wana waste money 2buy a new one so i kicked d ball instead…
Anyways, it made me think: do i reali wan all this solitude? can i reali work alone all the time, without help, striving to beat myself n myself onli, without a care for the world? can i afford 2b alone all the time? maybe i’ve misplaced d trust in my own ability to survive in dis world….maybe this n maybe that!
It didnt help that wen jason joined me (a rarity in itself) after i struggled for another one hour, i suddenly played alot btr. strange but sumhow my legs cud move again n d num of stupid shots reduced dramatically. strange indeed..
Well, i’ve come to d conclusion (tentatively) that i do need and want this solitude bcuz its among d few moments whn i get total privacy n i get to think stuff over without appearing like i’ve gone mad, staring in2 space n stuff. But perhaps i reali shudnt shut d door or window on d world outside me that much. Maybe occassionaly i do need to open d window juz a crack 2allow sum fresh air in…
The double-edged sword called solitude-do i want it or don’t i? That’s sth 2chew on whn i daydream in class i guess…
p/s: eap final exam nex week followed by drama on sat! Then itz byebye eap! But gona miss miss jp tho =( plus there’s a small thg called phy infosearch which will finally b submitted, but 1st i’ve gota complete it..that’s my "free" nex week!
