Thoughts from a soggy mind - best served Cold

K..so i’m prolly goin slightly crazy..can’t reali remember d last time i posted 3 blogs in one day. nvm..anyway i juz realized that sumtimes friendster horoscopes can be real crap. Cos today’s horoscope analysis for leo is this :

The Bottom Line

Pull resources together and put the time in to find the best solution to a problem.

In Detail

It’s all about coordination — put yourself in the middle of any chaos, and you will thrive. As a matter of fact, the wilder the energy is around you, the happier you will be. While others are pulling out their hair or panicking over a tight deadline, you’ll be like a machine — coolly putting all the pieces exactly where they need to be. You have finally mastered the skills you’ve been working on for so long, so get ready for a new phase of contentedness.

Reali? Whole piece of shit la. itz others who are playing cool while i’ve bin acting like a headless chicken. Chaos vs organization? I’m still stuttering thru my esl tutorial, wad organization? Hell…as for mastering skills, yes i’ve learned sth new(an important skill too) but pity a new phase of contentedness doesnt reali exist. Maybe i’m juz bein too demanding, mayb d ups n downs of d past few days hv bin too much. =(

Anywae..i decided to take a time out n drew a pig! Yes i did! Well, itz sum kinda personality test where dey tell u wad kind of person u r based on d way u draw ur pig. And here’s d results:

"You drew your pig:

*Toward the middle of the frame, you are a realist.

*Facing front, you are direct, enjoy playing devil’s advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions.

*With many details, you are analytical, cautious, and distrustful.

*With 4 legs showing, you are secure, stubborn, and stick to your ideals.

*The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are. You are a good listener."

Lol…d last one i’m nt gona put here since itz nt relevant. Most of it r kinda true though.

Ok, diversion over, so now let’s get back to tht crappy emotional rollercoaster n practise my esl without stuttering….

I like the lyrics of this song veri much and it pretty much sums up my feelings right now: life’s short and unpredictable, y not appreciate our loved ones and count our blessings while we can? it can all go away in an instant…

"If I Were You"

By HOOBASTANK

You seem to find the dark when everything is bright
You look for all thats wrong instead of all thats right
Does it feel good to you to rain on my parade
You never say a word unless its to complain
Its driving me insane

If i were you
Holding the world right in my hands
The first thing i’d do
Is thank the stars for all that i have
If i were you

Look what surrounds you now
More than you ever dreamed
Have you forgotten just how hard it used to be
So whats it going to take
For you to realize
It all could go away in one blink of an eye
It happens all the time

If i were you
Holding the world right in my hands
The first thing i’d do
Is thank the stars above
Tell the world i love that i do
If i were you

So whats it going to take
For you to realize
It all could go away in one blink of an eye
It happens all the time

If i were you
Holding the world right in my hands
The first thing i’d do
Is thank the stars above
For the world i love
Take a breath and enjoy the view
Live the life that i’ve wanted to
If i were you

Sigh…d paper chase isn’t everything. And some sickos are actuali crying buckets over not getting a good ranking when they cud veri well not live to c d nex ranking list being put up. Family, friends and ppl tht care…shouldn’t they take precedence? Y wouldnt v giv them more importance? I would, if i were you.

Another weekend, another week has passed me by. Not that it hasnt been uneventful- one of d most memorable weeks i’ll ever hv dis year. Drama last saturday was a success- well, judging by d applause n cheers anyway. Everything worked 2perfection wif clockwork precision (it should, v practised like mad). Ok, so d script wasnt so gd but at least d action was…

Still…d events of d nex few days made d drama look like child’s play in terms of importance and magnitude. I think most ppl noe by now d unfortunate event tht happened to a family member of our friend here……v’re all deeply disturbed and do sincerely wish for his quick recovery..

Well, d incident served as a reminder to me how fragile life can be. Sure, exams, As, careers and stuff like tht are important but wad use r they whn u dun get to enjoy them?

It pays at times to stop, take a deep breath n look around you. There’re family members, friends, neighbours, even total strangers who deserve our care, attention and love. Some have been giving us exactly that for years. Like our parents and close relatives and close friends. And all we care to say is "I’ve got an exam nex week, can’t meet up". Hell and v dun even say "i love you" once in a while. Come to think of it, do v even pause to think how much v love them?

I wish v cud start appreciating thgs more.Like d fact tht v hv our parents n family. Some don’t. And that v hv frens who care bout us. Some r juz plain lonely and we’re lucky tht v’r not. Most of all, appreciate tht v’r still alive and well, able to live another day and take in its beauty.Don’t u wana start doin tht? i noe i want to…

Speaking about the beauty of life, i just saw one prime example just now of how beautiful life can be if onli u appreciate ur blessings and actuali try ur best to show the ppl around u tht u care for them too..Can’t say much here but "con man", if ur reading this, i’m glad ur doin wad ur doin..mus appreciate wad u hv ya?

All our thoughts and prayers now go to this brother of our beloved friend..Though v may not know him personally, v’re all linked by d chain of love and friendship. May he recover soon and lead a healthy life in the future.

And may all of us wake up to realize that the beauty of life should be appreciated.

Feels a lil weird 2b blogging on a thurs..i rarely do so. But i’m gona b quite busy 2mr so btr post tis 2day then =)

Yea..i’ve decided that i’m gona blog bout a lil of everything tis time round. 1st thg up: midyears. So i got 97 tis time round n my ranking is surely gona drop to anywer between 4 to 10. D weird thg? i’m happy! yes i am! i’m just not the old competitive me anymore n rankings hv become mere numbers that matter little. Yea, TER does matter but that’s at d end of d year, y care now? bsides..mayb by failing to be tops, i’l actuali feel btr bout certain thgs.i do hope it can reduce bitterness of a certain sort (sumtimes, tho nv related, u do feel one success deserves another-i’m not saying tis is d right sort of thinking but…) then i may actuali feel btr and not question "for wad i’m getting so high marks? wad does it bring me anyway? so what if i’m tops?" yea…i’ve got tht burden off my back! so now i’m a plain old simple nobody who’s well, nobody. so wateva challenges ahead, they do seem more bearable cuz wif no weight bearing on me, failure is more than acceptable. I’m now a nobody, remember?

okies..nex up: eap final exam. wasnt too hard (luckily)… but i do realise that i probably need to studi d dictionary from time to time: din reali noe wad pithy, inimical means. luckily it was multiple choice! *Whew*..

erm…wad else r? yea..d rain! bin raining so much d past few days. no i dun hate it but i dun exactly like it either..not when itz so damn heavy. it sux 2get ur shoes all wet. i dun mind hair n body gettin wet but shoes..eww..brought back many happy (but painful) memories..stupid rain.but it was conducive for naps =p

speaking of naps..that’s exactly wad i had d entire week! first thg i did after taking my bath was 2hv sth light then itz straight 2dreamland…dead tired tis week: physical+mental challenges together aint much fun. so..i guess i btr charge my batteries cukup-cukup while i still can.

nex week is esl tutorial! but then…itz not my turn cuz i’m in d last group so i’m oni presenting nex nex monday..wuahahaha! juz hope my group members dun ask too canggih questions cuz i dun tink i can handle dem in my present state..yea i noe i look normal But there’s such a thg called Acting in tis world u noe?

Talking bout Acting..itz eap drama tis saturday =) seriously looking forward 2it cuz it’l b 1st time since dyc 2003 tht i’ve bin involved in drama..tis time i’m juz playin a minor role but it’l stil b fun i guess..esp when it comes 2watching other groups..haha..i dun think mine wil b veri gd..d script seriously sux cos it was written by me.

Anything i’ve missed? PTM…d thg called parent-teachers meeting. i wonder wad my lects r gona say tis time..prolly comment on my decline in performance? bah..i noe i’ve tried my best under d circumstances so itz all rite no matter wad dey say.

O yea..juz thought this deserves a mention. i edited my profile 2 a sort of peach + purple colour which looks kinda nice on my laptop screen. i had d shock of my life whn it showed up in a SICKLY kind of yellow on taylor’s computer screens. damn..screw them la, dun dey ever upgrade their pcs?nvm..i’ve resolved not to change it for d moment. after all, yea i AM detestable to most people, i know. so might as well let my profile look detestable, no? let it match my so-called personality then.

So that’s all for now..happy tht i can meet my parents tis weekend =) take care everyone, n enjoy d show tis saturday!

Shit…this weekend is a real bore! Okies…so i hv work 2do actuali but i’m just too lazy =P BUT i’ve sumhow finished my esl tutorial presentation so i’m not gona complain too much. Once i’m done wif da footie news i guess i Must get started on my maths n then read d short story for text production.

Had an interesting(if sumwhat disjointed) chat wif a fren over msn lasnite n it got me thinking(again) over d way i’m handlin stuff in my life. How important is it for us to be independent in mind and thought? Meaning, to have ur own opinions, values and beliefs and unwaveringly stand by them regardless of wad other ppl say? At times when v’re stuck in a quagmire and sum1 else lends a helping hand@ advice which is logical & rational yet totally unacceptable to u, which should prevail : independence of thought or good advice?

So..assuming i close my ears and just listen to myself, it stil doesnt address the fact that my eyes are still open, witnessing my inexorable (sori louis, infringe ur copyright for a while) sinking, deeper and deeper…..so wads 2b done then? close my eyes as well i guess…shut myself out of this world n juz listen 2d voice inside me. Possible?

Well..technically, if ur sinking slowly enough, if u close ur eyes then u can’t see, then u hv no perception of space and movement which translates into a loss of ability to sense that u’re actuali sinking.

Hurm..i do realise that a lot of thgs can be solved if i juz unblock my ears to free my hands so that i can grab d hands of friends who’re trying 2pull me out. But then again, heck i’m not a Leo for nothing. There’s just some sort of pride, arrogance even, that demands total independence in saving your skin when ur a Leo.

Okies, i know i’m talking in circles yet again. All the same…..

[Independence of mind and thought] Versus [Good advice] is a battle I’d rather not fight right now. Therefore, i’m gona go do my maths 1st! =p

Okies…so i had a packed week which was totally unexpected considering it’s d FIRST week back from hols! man they reali grind u in sam=( it was wad i call a strange week reali. i cudnt wake up on monday so had2 take d 7.30 bus (wad do u expect whn u wakeup at 10 for every day of d hols except during d btn thingy?)…got my results back…dey were btr than i expected =) din expect to do so well in bio n phy which were d 2hardest pprs in my opinion, luckily my gambles paid off*whew*. by d time i finished eap n got home i was dead tired but sumhow even d short nap tht i took was disjointed n interrupted (des, i’m gona kill u for ur curse la, stil effective after so long, dun hv tarikh luput wan r?). Ended up hving no appetite for dinner n started getting moody..luckily there was eap drama practice which was so funny tht it brightened me up.

Tues n Wed passed in almost similar fashion (woke up late) n v were given great news bout assessments here n there. Omg, 1st 2weeks of d new semester ady so much work n assessments, i cant imagine d nex 10 or so weeks =’( n thurs was d perfect example of d irony tht i hate so damn much..after successfully waking up late for 3days in a row, i proceeded to wake up n get prepared so early that we ended up catching d 1st bus instead of d 2nd tht v usually take! Great…a total reversal which wasnt beneficial in any way cuz dey alwiz open C23 veri late on thursdays so v had 2lepak in d cafe 1st.

So: to friday (today) then! had a productive morning by my usual sleepy standards, handed in esl presentation outline n physics infosearch draft as well as listened 2bio presentations (i had mine on wed) n after lunch, v actuali went in2 cc 2watch ppl play dota n stuff juz 2pass time =p

Hurm..d morn part wasnt reali that important tho. Wad concerned me d most was wad happened juz now. u see..i went to play squash n as usual i played alone. Squash was….in a way, a great way for me 2relax n juz enjoy sum time wif myself cuz u dun reali hv much privacy wif roommates around. not to say i dun enjoy their company but u do nid sum personal space n there’s oni so many times u can truli shut ur mind out from ur environs. So everyweek i’ll go there for an hour or so n juz enjoy d solitude n d feeling of being alone, trying ur best 2beat urself n not anyone else. seriously therapeutic whn u consider d kind of competition n stress here.

But wad was strange n thought-provoking was d way i played today. sure, i havent played for 3weeks+ so of cuz i’m gona b rusty n all tht. but d thg was, i played well in d 1st 30 mins, then had a drink, and then all of a sudden i found myself unable 2run n my shots were all like shit! Wads wrong wif me? Maybe i cudnt release my frustrations accumulated throughout dis few weeks even through squash n d more bad shots i played d more frustrated i became. Seriously wanted 2throw d racket le but i dun wana waste money 2buy a new one so i kicked d ball instead…

Anyways, it made me think: do i reali wan all this solitude? can i reali work alone all the time, without help, striving to beat myself n myself onli, without a care for the world? can i afford 2b alone all the time? maybe i’ve misplaced d trust in my own ability to survive in dis world….maybe this n maybe that!

It didnt help that wen jason joined me (a rarity in itself) after i struggled for another one hour, i suddenly played alot btr. strange but sumhow my legs cud move again n d num of stupid shots reduced dramatically. strange indeed..

Well, i’ve come to d conclusion (tentatively) that i do need and want this solitude bcuz its among d few moments whn i get total privacy n i get to think stuff over without appearing like i’ve gone mad, staring in2 space n stuff. But perhaps i reali shudnt shut d door or window on d world outside me that much. Maybe occassionaly i do need to open d window juz a crack 2allow sum fresh air in…

The double-edged sword called solitude-do i want it or don’t i? That’s sth 2chew on whn i daydream in class i guess…

p/s: eap final exam nex week followed by drama on sat! Then itz byebye eap! But gona miss miss jp tho =( plus there’s a small thg called phy infosearch which will finally b submitted, but 1st i’ve gota complete it..that’s my "free" nex week!

    Sigh…wif a flash d hols hv all but come and gone..i’m enjoying d last few hours of it b4 i gota go sleep and wakeup at 6am 2moro for a whole new sem =( i wonder if dey’ll gv us new timetables? hope not..dat wil mean i’ve gota forget d old one whn i’ve juz remembered it!

   Anyways, d trip bac 2teluk intan was great fun all in all =) yeah i did spend d entire 1st day back in bed cuz of tht fever thingie…cud barely open my eyes due to tht febricol’s effects. plus sleep was kinda disturbed…………

  But i did recover sufficiently enough for me 2go out wif frens on thurs. Yay! Talked bout lotsa stuff but mostly it was bout how d present can nv measure up 2da good old days whn there were less worries n everything.Sigh..sasti’s reali falling apart n i hope d new principal can stop d rot. It feels great knowing i’m still part of dis town n d scl tho thr r times whn i feel like i’ve drifted away…

  Fri nite was pure fun! Met more frens, some of those i thought i cudnt meet on dis trip due 2time constraints…Talked even more of d good old days of 5Sc1…and i met a fren whom i’ve known for 5years ady but havent met for d last 1.5years - yuping, u look diff la wif rebonding…less "ah ma" =p glad tht u’ve finally learned how to switch on d pc, go bac ur upm dun forget to learn how 2use msn!then u kenot accuse me n kamsiang of not contacting u (but den, i duno u’ll read tis anot? =p)

   Sigh..itz a pity tht d hols hv2 end so soon…i dun reali feel like goin 2moro n picking up my exam papers le. Since i din reali do so well in phy n bio especially. Even then, i guess sumtimes u juz hv2 face up to it, dun u? In any case, i’m deliberating whether i still nid rehab.. after all, even wayne rooney’s foot is ok now, rite? as a pure man u fan, i muz folo his example!

    So here’s 2da last 2hours of my hols! Happy taking d bus n suffering in class 2moro everyone..i can imagine munin’s evil smile ady =(   

Yay! At the veri veri last, i’m back in dearie teluk intan! Ahh…d feel of my bed is juz soooo nice =) Reali indescribable, d kind of contentment u feel whn u finally get back home, wad more after that BTN thingy!

BUT i oni reached home at 9sth altho my bus ticket says it starts at 5pm. Y is this so? Well, d stupid bus decided tht it wanted 2b d oni 5pm bus 2get stuck in a traffic jam of sorts n so oni reached d platform at 5.50! And d buses scheduled for 5.30 hv all left….reali efficient whn u consider d fact tht d counter staff cudnt even bloody care to jz announce tht d teluk intan bus is delayed due to traffic jam, at least tht’l quiet d anxiety of 30+ ppl. I wonder if dey noe wad a microphone is for? O yea, they do hv one microphone at d counter!

Okies…so v finally started from pudu at around 5.50pm n d seat beside me was empty, which was gd cos i needed 2put my laptop thr and another bag which contained valuables…din dare 2put dem on top cuz i noticed tht d ceiling was leaking…whn v reached jln duta, dey decided 2cram d 6pm ppl in2 d bus as well. Still fine until d smart driver asked me 2put my stuff on d floor. Hello? D floor was wet like a drain due 2d ‘perfect’ ceiling! Then came his idiotic reply: "Put dem on ur lap la"…yea rite…wif a 2kg plus laptop and water, novels, clothes etc on my lap for 3hours, it’l b a miracle if my legs dun get cramp til dey jerk like i’ve got an electric shock. And there were 2 other empty seats! In d rows like in front of me! So y d hell muz he b so smart?

Plus throughout d journey it was raining veri heavily so d ceiling kept leaking water…after bidor v entered trunk road n tht’s wer d nitemare started: d storm grew freakish n it was reali terrible, wif lightning n all =( for about 1 hour i seriously feared whether i’ll make it bac home…add d fact tht my hp was running on oni 1/7 bars of battery, NOT GOOD at all! My mind raced to lotsa stuff…wad if i died then r? Of cuz wif d storm d ceiling leaked even harder but everyone were on d edge of their seats…Reali! It was THAT dangerous! Everyone juz stopped sleeping n tried 2peer ahead.Scary…

Neways, now tht i’m finally bac home, it seriously sux tht i’m sick! High fever now…my brain’s losing itz function. I tink i nid 2sleep after dis…Hurm, actuali it was kinda strange tht i’m this sick tho..yea normali after camp i’l b damn tired but a 10 hour sleep wil clear everything. Dis time, i slept 11 hours n i woke up wif a pounding headache =( d fever’s killing me now….i wonder if i’ve become weaker compared 2lastime? Like, i’m not so fit ady? Tsk tsk…but den, i guess dis camp was juz too mental n morale-sapping. I’d reali salute anyone who can b in my place n survive 5 days wif no scars at all…Hey, i giv credit when itz due u noe?

Anywae thtz all lo for now.Reali elated tht i’m bac home =) all i’ve gota do is pump my body wif febricol, get sum sleep n hope for d best 2mr morn whn i wake up…Nitex.

p/s: I love teluk intan!!!

*Phew*…finally back in ridzuan! So…da past five days hv bin spent in an ulu place called maran…whr is it? well…sumwer within d jungles of pahang(!) and it took four bloody hours to reach tht damned place..d greatest news arrived when i wanted 2make a phone call home oni 2realize tht dis place was so civilized there’s no service 4maxis n digi….

Well…2b fair, thtz NOT 2say tht d facilities were too bad…they do hv electricity (duh!) n proper beds in dorms, a lecture hall, a dining hall (which is damn hot 4me, considering i spent d previous 5days b4 da camp in almost eternal aircond), toilets(more on tht ltr) and classrooms…plus they hv rather cool stuff like a tower for repelling!

Kies…so here’s how things went:

Day One was plain boring cuz thr’s nth except registration n orientation. Then came Grouping which totally sucked cuz i was seperated from all of my gang. And i was left pondering the ironies of life, WHY must i go in2 tis group? When probability was 1/13….

Day Two pulak…a whole day of lectures or in my opinion juz plain talking..those guys seriously nid 2check their course materials cuz there’s juz so much overlappin stuff repeated over n over again. Plus it sux big time whn u get overly patriotic lecturers. O yea, did i mention v had to wakeup at 5.15? Apparently cuz c had kuliah moral daily at 5.45…tht’s juz abit too "late" rite?  But there was some FUN: i did repelling! Hehex..not easy for a guy who’s seriously afraid of heights..but i was reali happy cuz….[censored]….tho d descent wasnt reali pretty but at least i did it =)

Day Three : how shud i describe it? A day i got 2noe my group members more? A day whn i thought i discovered tht i cud actuali b quite proffessional? Nah…a lil of both but by d end of d day it doesnt reali matter does it? I did learn sum stuff here n there n d fascilitator was reali experienced tho he alwiz targeted me due 2my quietness =p And yea, there was no water! OMG!!

Day Four :  The worst day of d whole camp n i reali mean d WORST!!!!! for me, anyway. Won’t elaborate here. I tink i nid surgery after dis n check in2 rehab….

Day Five : Did a test, say d goodbyes, clambered onto d bus n set off for selangor!

So: Did i learn anything meaningful? Did I become a btr person? Haha….Probably itz yes and no. Mr Saedan (d fascilitator) was great, he guided us in many thgs n showed me how bad reality can b sumtimes, whr idealism reali doesnt work in dis world at times. And i learnt that u can reali learn and grow from life’s experiences as u go on; that’s called maturity. Plus there’s juz so many ppl in dis world who’re so so similar yet different in their own special ways…

D negative things i’ve learnt? Plenty.

One, sumtimes d world can b so ironic tht it reali becomes a joke. I dun wana elaborate here but when sumthg tht oni has a probability of 0.000002433 (i’m no great mathematician, dis is an estimation) of ever happening DOES somehow happen and on a fine sunday at that, you do wonder if fate’s reali playing a prank on u. Particularly when such an event wif a low probability can become reality and then…tht’s it. End of story. D event took place, and nth else did happen. On my part, anyway. Which makes d whole thg even more cruel and unbearable.

Two, there’s reali such a thg as sumthg tht u both want n dont want to happen. Itz a dilemma in itself n if and when it does happen, u get frozen cuz u juz dun know how 2respond. Do i jump in2 d icy ravine down my left, or in2 d river of fire down my right? Or plunge in2 d darkness ahead?

Three, i nid 2 seriously evaluate d way i do certain thgs. Maybe….Oh, shut up.

In conclusion, i did enjoy certain parts of d camp. D nite chat sessions wif d gang back at d dorm : football tactics discussions, teasing ppl, d "shit" issue and plenty more! There’s some others of cuz bt nvm…=) i did learn plenty of stuff n altho i came back worse thn whn i went, i still value d five days there. At least itz five days of exploring new sides of urself and experiencing new things…whether they’re good or bad ecperiences, sweet or bitter, i’m sure they’ll make me btr equipped 2 face d challenges in future.

O yea..one last thing. V watched a hindustan film during d bus journey bac 2selangor. I thought it wud b crappy but it turned out 2b a real tear jerker…i’m sori, i juz dun like 2c d hero dying like tht..and d way he sacrificed his love for d heroine n actuali helped sum1 else 2court her so tht she’ll live a happier life…Arghh…d ironies of life.

Thtz enuf for now i guess. Seriously gota retreat bac 2 teluk intan n check in 4my rehab…Happy holidays guys.