Being (Im)perfect
The last week has been a revelation of sorts. Thinking hard over the past 7days, i realised that my resolve really wasnt as hard as i thought it would be. In the past i had no problem deciding on a course of action and then gritting my teeth through it no matter how tough. But things change. And people bring change. So much so that about 2 months from when i first made a stern resolve, i’ve now decided to do a U-turn. Maybe sometimes u just can’t fight against urself.
Perhaps the biggest mistake i made wasnt to dream but to tell myself to fight against dreaming. I now realise that allowing my dreams to go on (with a healthy dose of reality) is actually far less painful than forcing myself not to dream. After all, given that the result will be the same either way,i choose not to fight the voice within me and save the extra energy for the inevitable hurt in the end.
Given that i basically flop most aspects of my life, the search for something in which i’m actually good at is actually quite intense. Well… studies were a plus point. Sort of. But getting back the chem quiz results this week (the lecturer leaked it out), was quite a damper. Maybe by my own standards i didnt do well enuf. But in the past i would have been satisfied wif a 40/41. Perhaps it had to do with the fact that when some parts of ur life that u value the most aren’t there, or won’t b there regardless of how hard u try, there’s an increasing desire (or desperation?) for other parts of ur life to bring u more joy.
By the end of the day i know grades and scores are just mere figures assigned to u,rankings mere numbers to place u somewhere along a long line entering university. That’s why i wasn’t satisfied with the slightly imperfect score - even full marks cant compare to a real person, alive, breathing, bringing real joy- what more an imperfect one?
Some will probably think i’m a nutter. But i’d rather try to chase perfection in one part of my life than to totally drown in despair. Sure, finally realising that i was wrong (or couldnt) to stop dreaming was a big step in the right direction. But i need something to lessen the day-to-day, as well as nightly, pain of seeing and thinking things i’d rather hope were not reality. Given my natural gift(or curse) to remember like an elephant, studies seem to be the best painkiller.
Will i succeed in attaining perfection in one of the last parts of my life that hasn’t crumbled yet? Or will i die trying? Well, who cares?
After all, with one big chunk of ur soul already missing, u can’t claim to be alive despite the "no one is perfect" mantra.
