Thoughts from a soggy mind - best served Cold

It’s one and a half days to the Year of the Dog and I have to say, it’s something that i reali look forward to in certain aspects. Well, for starters, the Year of the Rooster wasn’t particularly kind to me. 12 months ago when i read that Rabbits are gona hv a tough n luckless year, i was practically laughing my head off. Unlucky? Me? Who needs luck when hard work n perseverance can see u through? Maybe my being a Leo had something to do with that - defeat without a fight is not an option. And i’ve always pulled through in the past : even when things were rough, graft did what craft could not.

   BUT that was the past. Now, 12 months on, i hate to say this but i have to concede that the Rooster has beaten the Rabbit and trampled the Lion. All over him, in fact. It’s not nice when u have to swallow the fact that luck and the position of the stars actually play a part in your endeavours. Being forced to accept something that i don’t believe in, and even laugh at, hurts.

   What else can i say? After the release of SPM results everything had gone downhill. Sure, there were the odd highlight or two, but they were either false dawns or dreams i may never achieve no matter how much i covet them. My horoscope forecast last year mentioned something about a turbulent last few months of the year. Pity i didn’t take heed about it back then. Let’s just say it was too accurate to bear.

  When things go out of ur hands and u’re forced to stand by the sidelines to just watch, unable to do anything, u start wondering whether human will is all that it is made out to be. Particularly when, even i had control over my actions or words, i messed everything up. Something the rational me wouldn’t have done under normal circumstances. Or perhaps, in the past, my recklessness have not backfired with such damning consequences. When so many things go against you, you’d wonder perhaps, just perhaps…your luck for the year really matters?

     Sometimes you have to admit defeat when victory is impossible. All i hope for now is a relaxed and peaceful Year of the Dog. After all, the forecast for Rabbits is rather positive. We have the best luck of the year, in fact. Studies, career, family, everything will be smooth sailing. Well, almost everything. I’d prefer all my luck, if any, to be on my studies or ‘career advancement’ as those books call it. As for other things, well…not a chance. It’s not a matter of believing in luck but a matter of reality.

   So, all said, i hv to admit luck plays a part in my life. But being the obstinate fellow i am, at the most i’m just going to practise selective believing. I believe i will have good luck in my studies and such, but nothing else. Especially other things. After all, if i were to believe in luck in such delicate matters, i’m indirectly blaming luck for all my stupid actions for the past few months. Which smacks of shifting the blame onto someone else. Something this proud Rabbit won’t do, regardless of the sleepless nights i’m going to have to endure.

    Cheers for a good year in just over 40 hours time….Good luck to myself.

    I said to myself at the turn of the year to turn over a new leaf, shed all those stupidity and generally just put my head down and slog away. A new year, a new class with plenty of new unknowns, just the sort of thing that would excite the old competitive Chan Kaixun, isn’t it? The prob is, i’m not the old ruthless Chan Kaixun who thrived on competition. How i wish i am. At least i won’t make a fool out of myself.

   There are generally a few types of guys. Da 1st are those sensitive creatures who know by intuition what to do or say. The 2nd, insensitive blokes who don’t have a clue and simply dun giv a damn. The 3rd, ppl who are in between. Bless them. Me? I hv the privelege of belonging to the 4th, those who are freakishly sensitive AND insensitive at all the wrong times. Lucky me.

   Why, why all this idiocy? Where did that Chankaixun of yesteryear go to? The one who let his brain rule all the time, that is. Simple logic and rationale again went out the window this week. The bloody thing was, they lost out to Overenthusiasm. Overenthusiasm in trying to refurbish a bridge i’ve just rebuild. And now i’ve just sent it crumbling again. So much for taking a step forward and two steps back.

   The worst, worst part of all was that overenthusiasm didnt ruin it. Oversensitivy and insensitivity did the job. When u’re as stupid as to misinterpret even the smallest and most insignificant things to be something of a gigantic importance, and go on to blow your top over it, you deserve to be shot. Not just once but over and over again. And that’s the sort of idiot i am.

    Emotions running high when they shouldn’t be, the brain no longer working like it should be, and letting your heart do all the talking when u know how unreliable it is. That’s wat i allowed to happened to me. And they called me ’smart’. Smart indeed.

   It may be a new year with new resolutions. So what? I’m still the same old fool.

Starting a new academic year with a bug is definitely not the best experience. What more when it’s such an important year. Even the thought gives me shivers..exams in 10months time, and i hardly have a clue how i’m goin 2take them.

The odd thing is, it’s already a week into the new year. And knowing full well what an important year this is, somehow i’m running on empty. Physical resources? Zero (I can blame the bug of course). Mental resources? Nil.I seem to have misplaced my brain somewhere. And the worst thing is there’s no motivation! Maybe it’s due to the fact that most of my lecturers are from last year…there doesn’t seem 2b much need 2prove myself all over again, is there?

It’s not fun to be running on an empty tank. With your body aching and mind spinning around, nothing else hardly matters except running straight to bed and burying yourself in sweet blissful sleep…provided there aren’t nightmares of course. People say motivation can push us beyond boundaries and help us achieve great things. Without it, will I fail?

I wonder just how far can a person go without motivation? Without the will to push on, can the mind and body work to their limits? Perhaps go on mechanically and without emotion, with the exams at the end of the year as the sole goal? Or perhaps i should add personal glory, pride and records to my aims. Still, success once achieved only shows itself for what it is: emptiness. How far indeed can one go on an empty tank….

Well, i’m about to find out.

A couple of friends asked me whether i was venting my frustrations at my inadequacies in love when i wrote Wake UP!!! the other day. Hell, yes. And no.

Perhaps i wasn’t clear enough but what i meant was, stop dreaming of achieving anything beyond our abilities. And i mean anything, not just love.Still, to the two lovelorn complainees, sorry for offending you guys, but u’ll soon see the truth of my writing anyway. A friend once told me that love is not everything in life, so…Well, bout the princess and the frog part, i had to use that analogy coz i couldn’t think of any other. Maybe it’s btr to say that tales like Dumbo shouldn’t be believed too. A flying elephant? It’ll be lucky if it can float an inch of the ground. And i was basically saying something like that.

If, knowing that we’ll nvr be good enuf, why dream of the impossible? Instead of waiting for Miracles like what i had done previousy, wouldn’t it b btr if i ground out something with my bare hands? Whatever the result, at least they’re my own efforts and can be considered a success in its own right.

Talent, intelligence and looks are genetical. Riches are mostly inherited. Why dream of having all these which we know we will nvr get? A waste of time really. It’l b btr to be realistic and stop those stupid dreaming. Not just dreams about love, but those concerning success in studies and life in general. Dreams will only bring us in one direction : down.

I prefer to just accept reality as it is and do the best i can without attempting to achieve the impossible. In love and in everything in life. I now know who and what I am, and where i stand. Dreams? No thanks.